That La Kid

wishin' an' hopin'!

happy birthday

I wish that I could remember what was going on during that last post.

So, I meant to write on my birthday, and I should have. My birthday was great. My weekend was alright. Actually, my weekend was good, but I made poor choices. Poor food choices.

Let’s see, my birthday: I ran 8 miles the night before my birthday so that I wouldn’t have to do it Friday while I was in Virginia. I lost a ton of weight, got down to 225 and was so thrilled. I lost like 7 lbs. in 10 days or so. I wish I could remember what all I was going to write about. It was all good things, and I think I could have benefitted from having it available to read today. I felt new. I felt refreshed. I dreamed that I could get down to 215 for Matt and Zhiwen’s wedding (9/13) and that I’d be close to 200 by the race (10/3). It all seemed very attainable and today it all seems so beyond my reach.

Charlottesville really is detrimental to my health. I didn’t track calories. I was severely dehydrated. I ate meat. The night we left, I ate pasta primavera which, in hindsight, was probably loaded with salt and who knows what else.

I came home from Charlottesville about 232.  10 days of work down the drain in 3 days. Sucks. It’s just that same ol’ bullshit again: shed considerably, get really excited, lose track, balloon back up like the win never happened. So, then what… was that just water weight? ::sigh:: So, here we go again.

I guess I need to focus on the good. I ran 8 miles. Me. I did. Crazy. I’m so close to the goal of 10 miles under 15 mins per mile. (Actually, I am a long way from 10 miles at 12 mins. per mile, which is why the new goal is 15.) If you had told me in February that I’d be running 10 miles in October, or 8 miles in August, I would never have believed you.

I think today I need to hydrate, hydrate, hydrate today and prepare for another long run tonight. I’m nervous because there was a really striking difference in my weight when I woke up the morning after my 8 mile run last week, and I can’t help but think I was doing something wrong to accomplish that. The instant gratification felt good, but I want to make sure I’m doing this the right way.

 

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purgatory

I’ve got to do something. My size 16s won’t zip and my 18s are baggy like a potato sack. So… let’s weigh the options:

Looks like I have no choice.

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cheekbones

Look, I’m not saying that I’m so gaunt that my bones are protruding…  I’m just saying yesterday I noticed my cheek bones for the first time.  Were they there all along and I just couldn’t feel them through my pudgy fingers and palms?  Possibly.  But for whatever reason, I felt them yesterday like I’ve never felt them before.

Oh, and today I wore a pair of skin tight 16 jeans to Bruce’s 12 month check-up.  I don’t know whether they are becoming more comfortable or if I am just getting used to the feeling of that button holding on to the the button hole for dear life as either sides of the zipper desperately try to cling together.  Jury’s still out.

My sister lost 16 lbs. in 6 weeks.  In that time, I have lost 5.  WTF.

The cheekbones thing is a good sign though, right?  That has to mean something.  Right?  RIGHT?!

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this weight loss shit just got real

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226.6

I haven’t been 226 since November 26, 2008.  And that’s from a graph where the numbers were sneaking back up.  By May 2009 I was 233 and by August 2010 I was 252.

My lowest weight in the past 5 years was 215 (Sept. 2008), and I thought I was hot shiiiiit.

Image

That’s me on the right.

Basically, this means I only have 11 lbs. to lose before I start feeling human again, feeling pretty.

I am continuing my C25K, which is a training program for running a 5k, and last night I was really running for a little bit.  Not just jogging, but really running.  It’s crazy, after not doing it for a couple few weeks, I was able to get right back into it.  I just picked right up where I left off.  Music helps a lot.  Not having Tom with me actually helps a lot, too, because I race home as fast as I can to be with him.

226.6!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve been 228-229 for so long, since September 24!  I’m so excited to see a new number on the scale!  Woo hoo!

That’s 9.36% of my total body weight GONE.

In one of my favorite movies, “Hungry for Change,” they say, “you can get 10 lbs. off your body with sheer force, but you’re going to have to pay it back with interest.”  I’m sure the running helps, but I hope changing to a healthy diet will make most of the difference in the long run.  Diets don’t work.  Revolutionizing my life is working.  Getting mad as hell and deciding that I’m not going to take it anymore has made the difference.  Yesterday I had 3 smoothies which consist of kale, berries and pineapple.  I also had couscous, which is basically pasta, tomatoes with basil and feta cheese, a couple of handfuls of peanut M&Ms, a Taco Bell burrito and a slice of chocolate cake.  I’m not depriving myself, but I’m adding so much healthy living that it’s starting to crowd out the crap.

The goal is under 200 lbs. by Christmas.  I wanted to be 215 by Halloween, and 205 by Thanksgiving.  It’s going to be super tough.  I’d be pretty content at less than 200 by Christmas.  The broader goal is 164 by next July.  And since I’ve gone this far in spelling out my goals, if I am still 164 or less by July 2015, then I get the most elaborate Disney World vacation that money can buy, possibly with a vow renewal ceremony so that I can have pictures in a wedding dress without looking like I ate the entire wedding cake by myself.

Our Wedding 2006

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a change in me

A weird thing happened yesterday while I was singing in the shower.

Well wait, let me back up a bit.  When I got pregnant, my nose became very swollen and my voice got real deep.  I did a little research and tried to mention it to Dr. Wolanski.  This article describes my symptoms exactly and is what I believe that I had.  It’s all over my head, but, as the article mentions, once Bruce came into the world, the symptoms began to subside.

Fast-forward to present day.  My voice never did fully recover from pregnancy.  I can’t tell you how disheartening that has been.  I miss singing with the Disney Princesses.  I look at Bruce and just think, “well, I guess my new Gaston voice was worth it.”  I have always had pretty severe symptoms of what I believe is undiagnosed PCOS: facial hair, abnormal cycles, acne.  I’m 30, why do I still have acne?  I had even felt similar pain to that which I encountered that fateful Black Friday in 2011, but much less severe.  We were at Disney World in 2003.  I just could not get the crampiness to go away and was uncomfortable in every position.  In hindsight, I was playing with fire and should have gone to see a doctor.

Tom and I have taken a whole-body approach to health.  Maybe I could take a hormone to combat what I assume is high levels of testosterone that are producing many of these symptoms.  Or!  Maybe I could feed my body a diet of living, healthy, leafy deep green vegetables.  Maybe I can shrink the fat cells that (I assume) are producing some of the excess hormones that are doing this to me.  I believe Coca-Cola fed Mr. Nasty.  (You know, like the way Hexxus feeds on toxins and poisons in “Ferngully.”)  I believe my body wants to heal itself.  I believe my cells are slowly becoming more alive as I embrace the food that God gave us.

ANYWAY

While I was in the shower yesterday, I got a little frog in my throat while I was singing (badly).  I couldn’t seem to clear it.  I just kept singing (badly).  It felt different.  It sounded different.  Hmm, I wondered…  I tried an oldie but a goodie and suddenly I was singing (badly) along with songs that I haven’t been able to sing (at all) for a couple of years.

I may not know what I’m talking about, but I’m going to pretend that the amount of weight I’ve lost so far is already affecting me in positive ways.  I’m just going to assume this whole thing is slowly but surely beginning to impact my health.

I used to belt this out in the car, and Tom would say, “Dang! You sang the ass off that song!”  I’m not back to that level, but it’s really nice to be able to sing it, period:

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omgomgomgomg

So close to being out of the 230s forever.  So close.  232.2.  The dress I wore to Erika’s wedding is big on me.  It’s not potato sack big, but it’s definitely, “hmm, this isn’t as flattering as I recall” big.  The dress that I wore to my parents’ wedding (MY PARENTS’ WEDDING!!!!) is also a little on the roomy side.  It fits, and I’m wearing it to a wedding this weekend.  It’s comfortable, not huge.  However, the dress that I wore to Will and Jamie’s wedding fits, and it didn’t always.  Woot!

omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg… this is happening.

That’s just diet.  (Not dieting.  Not temporarily restricting my calories, but deciding to change what I habitually eat as a person, and what we eat as a family, to food instead of “food products.”)  Imagine if I had also been running all this week.

Tom is on day 3 of a 3 day juice fast.  We checked his blood pressure last night and it is alarmingly high.  I am hoping that if he can lose about 25 lbs. it will start to work itself out.  But I don’t know, his dad is in the ideal bodyweight range and he has high blood pressure.

“Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food”
― Hippocrates

Did you know that while the weight limit of a bouncy castle is 800 lbs, it’s limited to 160 lbs per individual?  I’d like to be able to bounce in a bouncy castle someday.

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ermagherd! strerss!

I had a very happy birthday week.  When I left Charlotte and headed towards Charlottesville for Labor Day, my weight was at an all-time low of 232.8.  (Well, all-time so far in this new weight loss journey.  Obviously, I’ve been that weight before.)  I got on the scale at my Dad’s house at some point at it said 239.something.  I assumed it was wrong.  I was feeling like I must be 230 when I weighed in the last time at his house at 237.  When I got home, I was still around 236.  Today, I am 235.  Man.  Three pounds.  Do you know how hard it was to get to 232?  Tom brought up a valid point, that I’m forever out of the 240s.  I remember dancing between 238 and 241 and hating myself.  I tell you what, 232-235 doesn’t feel much better.

I read somewhere that when our ancestors felt the stress of famine, or winter, or a big sabertooth tiger, they would eat as part of their body’s reaction.  Nowadays, we have different stresses.  No famine.  (That’s for sure.)  Things like deadlines affect our bodies much like the sabertooth, and our subconscious is like, “Ah! Stress! We may not survive! Pack on calories! Survive! Survive! Survive!”

I’m sure you think it’s bullcrap.  I did.  Until today.  Today, I am stressing and I just want to eat.  I had a lot of cake over the past 3 days, but now the cake is gone.  So, hopefully we can get back on track.  I feel so stressed.  The house is a wreck.  I MUST finish some illustrations and I’m just not feeling motivated.  I’ve got to find time to jog at some point.  It’s Wednesday!  I haven’t jogged at all this week!  We bought a piece of furniture from World Market and the doors don’t close the way they’re supposed to.  I spent a whole day putting it together, all for the final piece, the door, to not fit properly.  I wasted a whole day that I should have spent illustrating!

There’s nothing to do about that now but sigh and move on.  I have to take the thing back to World Market, because I’m not keeping a messed up one, and probably put another one together.  I guess that doesn’t have to happen today, or even this week.  So, I need to let that go.

I also can’t find my very expensive Nikon.  I thought it was in the truck for a long time.  Then, I assumed I took it to Easter in Virginia, but I didn’t have it to take pictures.  I never had that “AH!” moment when I realized that I left it in a cab or something.  We had it when we went to get Bruce’s picture taken with the Easter Bunny.  That’s the last time I remember having it.  I hope beyond hope that it’s at my parents’ house, but no one has seen it.  I’m devastated.  The loss keeps me up at night and the sleep depravation = more stress.

My plan is to be 225 by Bruce’s party on 9/28.  215 by Halloween would be nice.  205 by Thanksgiving would feel spectacular.  And while we’re setting goals, lets see what we can do about being under 200 by Christmas, 195 to be specific.

I’m going to see if I can get the scale down to 229 by Sunday.  I just have to lose the pounds I accidentally put back on with cake and then 3 more.  I already feel things starting to settle back down.  I ate out for lunch today with my Great Aunt Sara Beth, so there’s no reason for me to go out and have a big sit-down meal.  A few smoothies should do the trick, fill me with healthy veggies, and motivate me to stay motivated.

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235.4

15 POUNDS!!!

Verifiable.  Unverifiable, maybe as much as 25 lbs.  I’m SO elated to have quit bouncing around the 238-240 mark.

And the kicker, like the icing on the cake is that I feel GREAT.

We’re heading to WDW to celebrate my 30th birthday this weekend, and I’m already packed.  Bruce’s 1st Birthday invitations should go out as soon as we get back (or I could take them to Fl. and have them post marked Walt Disney World) and they’re already designed.  Printing will probably be an all-day thing, but I’ve got TWO DAYS ’til we leave that won’t be full of packing/preparing for this trip.

Plus, I ordered most of the pieces of my outfit for a steampunk wedding that I’m going to next month, and they all fit.  It’s really starting to come together.

Maybe I shouldn’t be disclosing my weight.  Hm.  OR!  Maybe weight, like age, is just a crappy number.  I mean, society can judge me by that.  That’s fine.  But that’s not who I am.  And, I mean, really, as I’ve said before, you can get all in a huff about that number, but it’s not like I can hide it.  I wear my shame around my body every day.  And yeah, I am ashamed of it.  A lot of “husky” folks may not be, but I am.  I feel super uncomfortable in my own skin.   I’m always tugging at my clothes and hiding behind other people in pictures and leaning on walls at parties.  That’s not to say that I will feel more at home my thinner skin, but when I was thinner back in the day, I was more comfortable.

I’m suddenly addicted to Simple and Fit Veggie Omelets from IHOP made with egg whites, mushrooms and spinach.

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not saying anything, but…

I don’t know how long it’s been since I complained reported about the weight loss deal.

I’m not saying anything… I’m just saying that I haven’t worn this in a really long time. Hopefully this is just the beginning of the, “Holy crap! I can’t believe this fits!” moments.

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