That La Kid

wishin' an' hopin'!

bad dreams

on March 14, 2012

As of tomorrow, we’ll be 10 weeks pregnant.  Geez, that really doesn’t feel like a lot of weeks.  It’s interesting, because the last time I went this long without a period (September ’11), we scheduled a doctor’s appointment to officially confirm pregnancy and while I waited for Tom to come home from work and take me to the appointment, George showed up.

I remember thinking, “is this what a miscarriage feels like?”  It didn’t feel like much of anything, just overwhelming sadness at losing the fantasy I had created in my mind.  I laid on the couch with my legs up on the back cushions and just prayed and prayed for God to not take this away from me.

I know, right?  Pathetic.  Take what from you?  Your hysterical pregnancy?  Your delirium?  YOUR GARGANTUAN CYST?!  In hindsight, I was like a teenager who thinks her parents don’t know anything.  God’s been around the block – he knows what he’s doing.  I was NOT pregnant… but something needed to be done about that watermelon, Mr. Nasty Potroast McGrosserton.

Fast forward to last night.

I had a dream that I was bleeding.  My reaction was just, “Oh, wonderful.  Here we go again.”  Why would I expect otherwise?  Why did I think it would actually work out this time?  In the dream, Dad and I were driving north on 29 through Ruckersville, and I remember debating whether or not to tell him what was happening.  I was debating on whether or not to go to a doctor.  It didn’t feel like I was losing a baby, it just felt like I had been wrong all along.

Then I woke up.

I was devastated.  Because in THIS universe, I DO have a positive pregnancy test.  In this world, a doctor told me, “Congratulations!”  So for a second there, my dream overlapped with real life.  For a second, I thought I lost a baby that I often forget I really am carrying.

I looked around the room and saw prenatal vitamins on the nightstand.  The positive EPT is still on the bathroom counter.  Wait.  What?  Where am I?  I’m at home.  Period?  No.  Baby?  Yes!

Weeeeird, huh?  Kind of an eerie anniversary.  It’s almost like, “Remember?  Last time you only made it this far.”  This time we’re going all the way.


One response to “bad dreams

  1. Haley Nickel says:

    YAY! You are going all the way. It’s not even me and I freak out.. I’ll be walking across campus and think “OMG Easter is almost here… WE (somehow I think I get to say something… which I don’t) get to tell the family that we’re pregnant! I’m going to be an aunt. It freaks me out. I keep not believing that there is really a little Godzi in your belly. C-r-a-z-y.

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